literature

Have Hope [Gift]

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         She hated Earth.

           With all of her being, Akila despised this world. There were organic things everywhere that she had to be careful not to step on and break. Animals would randomly be spooked in her path as she walked, plants were sacred and if you could avoid destroying them by all means, you had to go out of your way to avoid that fragging bush growing in the way.

           Then there were the native inhabitants. Humans. What good were humans? They were lazy and panicked frequently, thus the constant need to go stealth mode and unseen by these primitive creatures who still thought that they were the only living creatures to exist. They lived on a tiny speck of a planet in the middle of an enormous universe bigger than their imaginations could even cope with and they refused to believe there wasn’t the slightest possibility for life out there?

           Take into account that she had no transformation cog, and Akila was always stuck with the lousy jobs. She couldn’t chance being seen by humans and was always sent in the most obscure locations, usually with vague directions or the blimp of a possible Decepticon signal in that location.

           Slag, this planet was the worst. She longed for the days when she could sneak around Cybertron, Sirius arm looped around hers as he pulled her along to the next adventure. They would go everywhere together; break every rule, laugh at everyone who stuck their nose up in the air around them like they were dishonored and grotesque Insecticons in their presence.

           Everything was so different now. Including her.

           Not only in appearance, but in mind. So much had changed within her. Akila had trouble remembering sometimes how she got to this point. Sometimes her own actions and attitude reminded her of her Carrier, and she shivered at the very idea of being like her.

           Stepping closer to the edge of a ragged cliff side, the femme went to sit and dangle her legs over the edge. She reflected over how it was possible she got here. Not here, on this planet, but at this point in her life. Whatever happened to being carefree, to having fun, to no regrets?

           Akila felt a disconnect; a loneliness deep in the pit of her Spark. She may have grown older, wiser, and more mature but the knowledge of that didn’t resolve her conflict. The turmoil within her felt worse; deeper. She was isolated from her own happiness, her goals. It overwhelmed her to think of just how much she had lost in her life without thinking twice about it.

           Delicately, she ran one of her digits along the edge of her khopesh. It was easier to imagine what it would be like if Sirius were still here. He’d know what to do; how to comfort her. He understood her and always had; he would know the words to say, the actions that would bring her out of the feeling of disassociation and dulled, sulking mood.

           A crunch of leafy debris behind her had Akila glancing over her should. The action was slow; groggy, lacking focus. It could have been a Decepticon and her helm would have been rolling down the cliff side faster than Smokescreen avoiding punishment.

           Ultra Magnus stood behind her, in all his majestic and imposing glory. Comically extra large shoulders jutting out and all; the moonlight glinting off blue and red armor in cascading beams of white light.

           His expression suggested confusion, uncertainty, almost fear as he looked at her. Even without a mirror, Akila knew how she looked. Her blue optics blank; her face void of emotion.

           Ignoring the intrusion of her Sparkmate, Akila turned to face the black abyss that was the sheer drop off the cliff side. Her digits glided against the golden bronze of her blade before she reached to lay it across her back; hearing it ‘click’ into place as she did so.

           Giving the slightest twitch of her audio stacks, she picked up on Magnus’s approaching pedes. Instantly her optics swiveled away and she slouched, turning her back to him as he moved to sit beside her. Shutting herself off from communication, Akila crossed her golden and red marked arms in front of her small cobalt and cyan colored chassis.

           “Akila,” Magnus stated; his voice booming, deep as he tried to attract her attention.

           She didn’t move, didn’t budge. Didn’t even so much as pass a glance to her mate. How did he find her way out here?

           “I noticed you’d left our room,” he murmured. Pausing, Magnus continued, “I checked the base, but couldn’t find you. The last coordinates put into the Groundbridge were stated for this location a few jours ago.”

           Drat, she hadn’t deleted the stupid data file that saved the Groundbridge logs.

           “You hadn’t left a message,” Magnus ventured awkwardly, his digits audibly shifting against each other nervously.

           “I was out on patrol,” Akila smoothly remarked.

           “This late?”

           “You never know when Decepticons are going to be up and destroying civilization as we know it.”

           “Akila,” Magnus sighed, “There have been no Decepticons recently, and not in this area. What’s going on?”

           “Nothing,” Akila muttered vaguely, tightening her arms around her chassis.

           Silence dwindled in the air, thick like a fog. It became strenuous, uncomfortable as Akila waited for what Ultra Magnus would say next. Try to convince her to speak up to him, no doubt.

           A gentle servo pressed to her shoulder; palm swallowing up her shoulder blade and digits carefully grasping over her shoulder. Naturally Akila flinched, trying to wrench her arm free of her mate’s grasp.

           “Let go!” She growled.

           “Why don’t you talk to me?” Magnus whispered; his voice soft but filled with pain. “Why can’t you be honest with me?”

           “Because you wouldn’t understand,” Akila hissed, glaring over her shoulder at the mech. “Because you’ve never experienced what I have!”

           “Tell me, then. Explain it.”

           “I can’t,” she snapped, her shoulders stiffening.

           “Why not?” Magnus inquired quietly.

           “You wouldn’t understand,” Akila repeated, speaking between gritted derma. “Just trust me on this. Now go away, I want to be left alone.”

           Worry shifted through the Autobot Second-in-Command’s optics. His servo slowly slid off of Akila’s shoulder and he dropped it to his side.

           Seeing the look of distress on his faceplate, Akila felt a gnawing pain in her Spark again. It wasn’t his fault she felt this way; it wasn’t him that had caused her so much agony. But right now, she just couldn’t bare to have him there.

           “It’d be safer if you just left,” she stated faintly. “Better for both of us.”

           Looking into his optics, Akila could see Ultra Magnus only growing more concerned. It was unnerving to look at. Penetrating. He cared so much more than she deserved; more than she wanted sometimes.

           Venting heavily, the femme adverted her gaze and turned her helm back to look at the bottomless hole to the right. No Magnus in her peripherals to silently judge her now.

            “Were you dreaming about Sirius again?” Magnus asked weakly.

           Akila clenched her derma together tightly. She could feel her stomach clench and seize.

           “I’ve caught you thinking about him, sometimes,” Magnus admitted. “Through the bond. I know you miss him. He’s been on her mind a lot recently.”

           “I don’t want to talk about it,” Akila repeated once more; her voice thick with emotion.

           “I know I’m not him, Akila,” he continued. “I’ll never be your first love. But I’m here for you now. If not as a Sparkmate, then as a friend. To listen, to be your confident. I am here for you, always.”

            A shiver raced down the femme’s backstrut. She breathed in and out deeply, a shakiness to her breath. Her optics grew dull as she partially shut them.

           It felt like all at once, she was feeling everything and nothing at all.

           Ultra Magnus servo gently touched her shoulder, testing the waters. When she didn’t react, he tugged her into his lap gently and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin upon the top of her helm.

           Trembles moved through Akila’s entire frame. She clenched her derma as tightly as she could. Refusing to look up, refusing to acknowledge the warm of the embrace from her Sparkmate no matter how tender. Tears misted up her optics and try as she might to blink them back, they continued returning until they began to well up and spill over, trailing down her faceplate.

           A supportive hum echoed through Magnus then. Deep; a resounding note from his Spark as he tightened his arms to steady her shaking. Akila ducked her helm with embarrassment as the first sobs broke through her chassis, her digits grasping at her mate’s until they were intertwined together.

           Another sob broke through her chassis; louder than the rest. She was quivering all over. It felt like her Spark was shattering; the world itself around her was crumbling. It was surreal, like this moment didn’t exist, like it wasn’t her crying but a movie she was watching from afar.

           Magnus continued to hum quietly as he rocked her gently from side to side, trying to ease her tears. No matter how much she wanted to be alone however, the comfort of a friend was enormous. The security of arms around her; knowing someone cared even though they understood that there was nothing they could do to take such pain away. It couldn’t be fought physically, it couldn’t be helped, and in some ways, their presence was part of the reason for the problem.

           Yet he wasn’t willing to give up on her. Even at her worst, he wanted to stay, to help her, to heal her wounds however he could. Akila chocked, fighting her tears; trying to control her emotion, trying to ward off the feeling of loneliness, of heartache, of disconnect that had ensnared her Spark.

           “It’s alright,” Ultra Magnus breathed softly. “You cry as much as you need to, Akila. I’ve got you. I’m right here for you.”

           Leaning into the warmth of Magnus chassis, Akila felt him squeeze her tighter in reassurance. It might not be alright right now; or tomorrow, or a week from that moment but somehow she knew it would get better. The shroud of sorrow would ease away, and she would feel whole again; happy, safe, in control.

           All she needed was a little time, and a friend by her side.

Gift for :icondeceptib0t:



Inspired by this post on tumblr and listening to this song on repeat.

And a little reminder that you never have to deal with your feelings by yourself, Mags. There will always be people here for you. Always. <333

© Transformers - Hasbro
©Akila - Deceptib0t
© RoyalBlackheart
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